ATLANTA — CNN has reportedly expanded its newsroom operations to include a new department staffed entirely by clairvoyants, precognitive analysts and one woman who claims she can “sense breaking news through vibrations in the newsroom carpet.”
The move comes after eagle-eyed internet users crazy conspiracy theorists noticed an unusual sequence of timestamps surrounding a recent aviation incident.
- 05:14 UTC – CNN first publishes article on the incident.
- 05:21 UTC – First recorded flight altitude drop.
- 05:31 UTC – 7700 general emergency code transmitted from the plane.
- 05:38 UTC – 7500 unlawful interference code transmitted from the plane.
This means CNN appeared to achieve the extraordinary journalistic feat of publishing news about the incident seven minutes before the first observable problem, 17 minutes before the general emergency signal, and 24 minutes before the unlawful-interference code.
CNN declined to confirm whether its newsroom currently employs psychics, although several employees were reportedly seen entering a conference room containing candles, a crystal ball and a large screen displaying FlightRadar24.
“We reject the suggestion that CNN can see into the future,” said an unnamed network spokesperson while staring intensely into a bowl of water.
“We simply have an extremely aggressive breaking-news operation.”
When asked how the network could report an incident before publicly observable signs of the incident occurred, the spokesperson allegedly closed their eyes and replied: “You are going to ask me that question.”
Moments later, the reporter did.
Traditional journalism requires reporters to wait for events to happen, verify information, contact sources and then publish stories.
Precognitive journalism eliminates several of these inefficient steps.
Under the network’s new workflow, reporters simply describe tomorrow’s events today and wait for reality to catch up.
The innovation could revolutionise the news industry.
