METROPOLIS — Lex Luthor has dismissed questions about his appearance in the Epstein files, explaining that he was primarily interested in Jeffrey Epstein’s ability to secure funding for global health, particularly the urgent public health issue of Superman remaining alive.
Speaking beneath a LexCorp banner, the billionaire industrialist urged journalists to stop focusing on the sex scandal and examine the tremendous humanitarian potential of the proposed partnership.
“Jeffrey knew a great many wealthy people,” Luthor explained. “When someone tells you they can mobilise $100 billion to improve global health, you listen.”
A weakness for humanitarian causes
Luthor’s explanation follows Gates’s recent account of his meetings with Epstein, in which Gates said the prospect of substantial donations for global health attracted his interest. Gates described the meetings as a mistake and denied visiting Epstein’s island or being introduced to women.
Luthor said he immediately recognised the problem.
“Bill and I share a weakness,” he said. “We care too much.”
“Some men are tempted by women. Some by power. I hear the words “fully-funded humanitarian initiative” and suddenly I’m explaining why the kryptonite plant needs a second cooling tower.”
According to Luthor, Epstein had offered to introduce him to donors interested in removing the last surviving member of an invasive extraterrestrial species.
Focus should be on the promising potential
When a reporter returned to Epstein’s crimes, Luthor expressed frustration that the press kept allowing the nature of a prospective funding partner to distract from the size of his prospective funding.
“I went there to discuss saving lives,” he said. “Must we spend the entire press conference discussing what sort of person I was discussing saving lives with?”
Luthor stressed that his meetings on the island were strictly professional and consisted largely of presentations, financial projections and forty-minute presentations.
An Unfortunate Association
Luthor conceded that, with hindsight, he should have exercised better judgment.
“I deeply regret that these meetings have overshadowed my life’s work,” he said. “Before this, people associated me with defence innovation, global leadership and protecting humanity from unregulated extraterrestrials. Now there are questions about my character.”
He announced an independent review led by a LexCorp committee whose members had been selected for their independence and autonomy.
At press time, Luthor had unveiled a children’s hospital with a retractable roof, explaining that every dollar donated would bring the world one step closer to a cure.
