PARIS — French authorities have confirmed the presence of the Joker, Harley Quinn and Carnage among fiery, but mostly peaceful rioters, after reviewing footage of a man distributing petrol bombs, a woman demolishing a bus with a mallet, and a third participant whose arms were shaped into battle axes.
Officials urged the public to avoid drawing conclusions from isolated images.
“A photograph captures only a fraction of a second,” a government spokesperson explained. “There may have been several hours earlier in the day when his arms were not bladed.”
The Joker confirmed as Heath Ledger’s
Authorities identified the Joker as the Heath Ledger version after witnesses immediately recognised his smeared makeup, purple coat and tendency to describe elaborate criminal operations as things that simply happen.
Identification took approximately four seconds.
“We briefly considered whether he might be Jared Leto’s Joker,” a police spokesperson said. “But nobody knows about him.”
Ledger’s Joker initially blended into the crowd by wearing a yellow vest instead of his usual purple get-up. Organisers welcomed his contribution, noting that he had supplied refreshments, transport and enough petrol to suggest he had seriously misunderstood the purpose of a carpool.
“He’s been extremely helpful,” a steward said. “He even brought a map showing all the banks.”
The Joker denied coordinating the unrest “Do I really look like a guy with a plan?” he asked, standing beside forty-seven labelled petrol drums and a timetable assigning Harley the 3:15 p.m. bus demolition.
Harley Quinn dismantles structural inequality and a Renault
Harley Quinn was spotted smashing a parked Renault with an oversized mallet while shouting that ordinary working people had suffered enough. Asked who owned the vehicle, she retrieved a hospital parking pass from the wreckage.
Following a brief consultation with organisers, the incident was reclassified as an act of solidarity with nurses who should not have to drive to work.
A television correspondent praised her energy, noting that she had continued swinging despite receiving no funding, training or clear instructions.
Carnage’s arms described as strongly-worded placards
Carnage attracted attention after transforming both forearms into enormous blades, an approach protest leaders acknowledged was unusual but difficult to exclude under their existing guidelines.
“Our code of conduct prohibits bringing weapons,” a steward explained. “It doesn’t specifically address creating them.”
The committee attempted to resolve the issue by giving Carnage a placard.
Authorities investigate who imported the American villains
The presence of three villains from American comic books raised questions about who had broken them out of prison, arranged their transport and brought them into France.
Investigators said they had not established whether vested interests had facilitated the trip, although the Joker’s travel declaration listed his purpose as “chaos” and his sponsor as “society.”
“We cannot exclude outside funding,” an investigator explained. “Somebody bought three business-class tickets, checked in an oversized mallet and paid an additional baggage fee for a passenger who was also his own luggage.”
Harley insisted the trip had been entirely grassroots.
“We booked economy,” she clarified. “Then Mister J made an announcement and business class became available.”
Carnage declined to identify his financial backers, absorbing the questionnaire and several supporting documents.
The Joker rejected suggestions that powerful interests were secretly directing events. He then opened a suitcase full of cash, poured petrol over it and set it alight.
Investigators described this as compelling evidence that he was not motivated by money.
Avengers await approval for intervention
At press time, the Avengers confirmed that the situation was above their pay grade, having recently signed the Sokovia Accords and therefore requiring United Nations approval before intervening.
“We can see the giant red monster eating a bus,” said Captain America. “But seeing it and being authorised to have seen it are two different things.”
An emergency request was submitted, accompanied by footage of Carnage consuming the television crew’s satellite van. The application was returned because the van’s registration number was no longer legible.
The Joker welcomed the oversight process and offered to burn down only one arrondissement at a time while the paperwork progressed.
By morning, the UN had approved a strongly-worded statement.
