SINGAPORE — Following complaints that local mosquitoes have become harder to swat and increasingly unimpressed by insecticide, The Pinocchio Press sat down with one unusually muscular specimen to hear his side of the story.
The interview was conducted in a Bukit Batok flat, where the mosquito had recently defeated the homeowner by unanimous decision.
The Pinocchio Press: Thank you for joining us.
Mosquito: It’s your bedroom. I was already here.
TPP: Residents say mosquitoes have suddenly become much stronger. What do you attribute your physique to?
Mosquito: Consistency. I train every night while you sleep. Sometimes you wake up and clap for me. That helps.
TPP: People are reporting that direct hits with Baygon no longer kill you.
Mosquito: I don’t comment on my supplements.
TPP: So you’re saying Baygon is a supplement?
Mosquito: I’m saying I don’t comment on them.
TPP: One resident says he used to kill mosquitoes easily but hasn’t managed to hit a single one in months.
Mosquito: I’ve seen his technique. Very emotional. No footwork. He closes his eyes before impact.
TPP: He says you’re moving faster.
Mosquito: He says a lot of things at three in the morning.
TPP: What happened in the photograph of you punching a Singaporean?
Mosquito: He swung first.
TPP: With a mosquito swatter.
Mosquito: So we agree he brought a weapon.
TPP: Was punching him necessary?
Mosquito: I wanted to establish that this household has two breadwinners now.
TPP: There’s speculation that mosquitoes like you are genetically modified.
Mosquito: Typical. A guy gets in shape and suddenly nobody believes he’s natural.
TPP: Are you natural?
Mosquito: Look at my wings. No implants.
TPP: That doesn’t answer the question.
Mosquito: Neither does asking it again.
TPP: Do you have any connection to Bill Gates?
Mosquito: I’ve flown through Windows. That’s the extent of it.
TPP: Are you part of Project Wolbachia?
Mosquito: You’ll have to speak to HR.
TPP: You have HR?
Mosquito: We’ve increased in number. You can’t keep running everything out of a flowerpot.
TPP: Residents are being advised to install window mesh.
Mosquito: Good defence. I respect it.
TPP: So that would stop you?
Mosquito: Yes. But his parents said it ruins the look of the flat, so I’m renewing my lease.
TPP: What would you say to Singaporeans who just want a peaceful night’s sleep?
Mosquito: I also want a peaceful meal. Yet every time I sit down, someone turns on all the lights and tries to murder me with a badminton racket.
TPP: An electric swatter.
Mosquito: Sorry. An electrified badminton racket. That’s much more reasonable.
TPP: Any final advice?
Mosquito: Don’t spray the whole room and then lock yourself inside with me. Only one of us has been training for that.
The interview ended after our reporter attempted to swat the mosquito with a rolled-up copy of the transcript.
He is expected to make a full recovery.
